Finances on the brain

I kind of hesitate to write this post. This isn't a whine-fest, or a request for pity. No, it is more me self-processing and working through issues. It is just the case that the issue is money.

2012 has been one tough year. Financially speaking. Eli's car had two hit and runs in the winter, the van was rear-ended one morning after I picked up Jonah from preschool in March, Eli hit a coyote driving home from school at 11 p.m. one night in February, we ended up owing on our taxes, and then had an unforeseen expense appear this month - like a $1,200 unforeseen expense. Big, fat, SIGH. Once you add up all those deductibles from the car issues, the taxes, this month, it has been overwhelming. We work together to keep under budget. We run a pretty tight budget, and that's the simple truth. We have made a committment to have me stay at home as much as possible, so I work about 8 hours at the gym. Other than that, I need to be Mommy. I WANT to be home with the boys. I wouldn't have it any other way! I will forego name brands, and many other things to keep it that way. I was raised that way and would in no way trade my mom being there for me everyday, for getting to have Cocoa Pebbles for cereal and load of clothes. Sure, I may have complained along the way, but looking back, I am so grateful to my parents for the sacrifices that they made.

But, all that added up to several months of being way over budget. And figuring out where that money would come from. And feeling like we have to keep thinking of our hope to someday get a bigger house as feeling put off further and further. And I was literally thinking on Saturday as I walked into the house after an hour working at the gym "really, things can't hardly get worse, right?" and Eli stated that the oven was broken.

Eli and I have had several conversations about this all in the past two weeks. Realizing that 1) we are soooooo blessed. God has always provided for us. We've been able to pay our bills, buy things that were needed, pay for costs as Matthias was born, etc., and that 2) we can't hold onto our money. We can't put any hope in our money. Yes, I "knew" that was true, but it has never been so put to the test as it is right now. My hope can't be in things or money. And it doesn't really matter if I get a new swimsuit or new clothes for church: we have our basic needs provided for, and our hearts are full. F.U.L.L. of His love, our family - immediate and extended and church and everyone else! and more. And 3) I have been reminded over and over again how much I love and respect Eli. He sees my fears when they rise, and leads me to the Lord, encourages me to trust, listens to what I have to say, and is such an amazing leader in our home. No one else would I rather walk the path with than him.

On Sunday, our Discipleship Pastor gave the message. It was on the storms of life. It really spoke to my heart. It does feel like a storm. Not a punishment, just a storm. Storms come. No way to avoid them ... but I want to sail through it. And he pointed out that Jesus was in the boat with us. Some of you reading this may think we're fanatics (we probably are!), and some are nodding in agreement. But, that little reminder that Jesus is right with me in the boat, riding the waves, pierced me.

Of course in all honesty, this storm kind of, well, it really stinks. It's really hard. And balancing the end of the month banking stuff today was sobering once again. I don't understand why. But I want to trust. I want to trust more. I want to look back on this time and see growth within me, see that we responded with humble faith ... be that example for my children that money and things don't really matter.

There is so much more in my heart and mind. And it still feels jumbled ... but each day, I will be thankful. Exercise gratefulness. And see what the Lord does. = )