Loss

Last night I attended the funeral of a friend's son. Her son was 19 years old, and she unexpectedly lost him last Sunday morning in a horrible circumstance. Oh, my heart aches. The moment I saw another mutual friend's number flash on my phone screen that evening, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.

All week long, many of us have been enduring heartache on her behalf, heartache on behalf of the sadness of a life lost in what seems too soon.

And most of the week, though I grieved, I felt strong, texting her encouragement, encouraging others in their sadness. But last night ... oh, last night. Seeing pictures flash on the screen of him as a baby, a toddler boy in his mother's arms, an elementary boy with silly antics ... and the tears fell. The tears of a mother who CANNOT imagine life without my boys. Cannot fathom what it would be like to see your child's life end before your own. And end young. And I wept for her: wept for her arms that will ache to hold her boy.

I came home, kissed my boys goodnight with fervor ... "Mommy loves you soooooo much ...".

She was strong and clothed in grace during the service, you could see. It was a beautiful time to remember him. But so, so hard.

I am not usually prone to emotion during these times. I hug, I reminisce, and I feel like I often am there to be strong for others (whether or not I actually am, I feel that way!). But I am overcome for my friend. Today as I rocked Matthias before nap, he was sprinkled with my tears. Realizing that life is short. Time is precious.

I cannot number my days, nor Eli's days, nor my childrens' days. And I trust that ultimately, what I do not understand, I lay in the hands of my Lord. And even what I think I understand, I place in His hands as well. He knows the hairs on my head: He knows what is to come.

What has been given to me is such, such a gift. My I remember to smile more, to let some little things go in order to enjoy a chubby, sticky cheek offered up for a kiss. To ignore the drama in life and treasure my family, my friends. To support others in heartache. To offer my hand in help when needed. To live each day to the fullest.