A Bushel of Brooks

A Bushel of Brooks
Us as we are ...

Friday, October 31, 2014

Hurry Up and Wait: October Reflections

If anyone else in my little world is counting along with me, it is eight days until baby's due date. Not that a due date means anything specific, except a good guesstimate that around that time, your baby might be born.

Except that it plays a mental game with you, right?

For about the last two weeks, I have felt so good. Not necessary just exploding with energy, but good. Content. Happy. Full of joy. Peaceful.

I didn't feel that way the first half of the month. I was over-tired, exhausted (mentally, emotionally, physically), and couldn't see past my to-do list. Instead of taking time to be refreshed by the Lord each day, I focused on getting everything done that could possibly be done, and allowed myself to be frustrated at what remained undone at the end of the day. Really not a wise choice in daily living!

A retreat that I almost talked myself out of going gave me a 180 turnaround. I truly was refreshed and got to spend extra time listening to the Lord, worshiping Him, and allowing myself to relax in His presence and physically relax as well. Although I couldn't see it prior, I needed a couple days of not being "Mommy" and not focusing on what I hoped to accomplish around the house. Both in the midst of being away, and in hindsight ... that I was I REALLY needed. A re-focus. A time to re-think my priorities.

Be still and know that I am God.

I hadn't been taking anytime to really be still. My mind was always going even if my feet were taking a break.

Coming away didn't mean that my list changed or many of my daily activities changed: I still have to work; do school with the boys; clean up the house; etc. But my focus changed and I wasn't walking around stripped thin.

And I have felt peace about when the baby would come. Mind you, I tell people, I wouldn't mind this baby coming ANYTIME, but I have felt okay with being pregnant days longer. I know I face sleepless nights and a huge change in the dynamic of the home, but I also long for hips that don't ache and shoot pain every time I switch positions at night. For my physical body, the birth of this baby means no more nausea every morning, ease with bending over again and holding little people in my arms. I'm ready for those changes.

And somehow this morning, I am facing the GET THIS BABY OUT NOW attitude. THIS BABY WILL NEVER COME, when I know full well this baby will be born at some point! Maybe not tonight (please, Lord, oh please, tonight would be great!!!!!), maybe not even before the said "due date". But Baby Brooks will arrive. And will I trust? Will I really really believe that God has a perfect time? That all my calculations and thoughts of when that perfect should be are actually the small picture of my little world, when He sees a grander scope?

And I wrestle today. Wrestle with emotions and not wanting those emotions. With wanting today to be fun and full of laughter (and a little sugar) as the boys look forward to the Harvest Party and costumes? And also wanting a whole bunch of contractions to hit at any given moment? = ) I know, I think I'm a little hormonal. As in one day I see ups and downs in my thoughts, I look back over the month and see the down at the beginning, and the beautiful lift that came halfway through. And may it remind me even in this moment, to be refreshed. Re-focus. There is a better way to wait.

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