Hurry Up and Wait: October Reflections

If anyone else in my little world is counting along with me, it is eight days until baby's due date. Not that a due date means anything specific, except a good guesstimate that around that time, your baby might be born.

Except that it plays a mental game with you, right?

For about the last two weeks, I have felt so good. Not necessary just exploding with energy, but good. Content. Happy. Full of joy. Peaceful.

I didn't feel that way the first half of the month. I was over-tired, exhausted (mentally, emotionally, physically), and couldn't see past my to-do list. Instead of taking time to be refreshed by the Lord each day, I focused on getting everything done that could possibly be done, and allowed myself to be frustrated at what remained undone at the end of the day. Really not a wise choice in daily living!

A retreat that I almost talked myself out of going gave me a 180 turnaround. I truly was refreshed and got to spend extra time listening to the Lord, worshiping Him, and allowing myself to relax in His presence and physically relax as well. Although I couldn't see it prior, I needed a couple days of not being "Mommy" and not focusing on what I hoped to accomplish around the house. Both in the midst of being away, and in hindsight ... that I was I REALLY needed. A re-focus. A time to re-think my priorities.

Be still and know that I am God.

I hadn't been taking anytime to really be still. My mind was always going even if my feet were taking a break.

Coming away didn't mean that my list changed or many of my daily activities changed: I still have to work; do school with the boys; clean up the house; etc. But my focus changed and I wasn't walking around stripped thin.

And I have felt peace about when the baby would come. Mind you, I tell people, I wouldn't mind this baby coming ANYTIME, but I have felt okay with being pregnant days longer. I know I face sleepless nights and a huge change in the dynamic of the home, but I also long for hips that don't ache and shoot pain every time I switch positions at night. For my physical body, the birth of this baby means no more nausea every morning, ease with bending over again and holding little people in my arms. I'm ready for those changes.

And somehow this morning, I am facing the GET THIS BABY OUT NOW attitude. THIS BABY WILL NEVER COME, when I know full well this baby will be born at some point! Maybe not tonight (please, Lord, oh please, tonight would be great!!!!!), maybe not even before the said "due date". But Baby Brooks will arrive. And will I trust? Will I really really believe that God has a perfect time? That all my calculations and thoughts of when that perfect should be are actually the small picture of my little world, when He sees a grander scope?

And I wrestle today. Wrestle with emotions and not wanting those emotions. With wanting today to be fun and full of laughter (and a little sugar) as the boys look forward to the Harvest Party and costumes? And also wanting a whole bunch of contractions to hit at any given moment? = ) I know, I think I'm a little hormonal. As in one day I see ups and downs in my thoughts, I look back over the month and see the down at the beginning, and the beautiful lift that came halfway through. And may it remind me even in this moment, to be refreshed. Re-focus. There is a better way to wait.

Not a Baby Anymore

My baby isn't a baby anymore. He is a full-fledged little boy with strong opinions of his own ("Mommy, sometime I like you, sometime I don't" - true statement from a boy in the backseat of my car when he DID NOT want to go to soccer the other weekend), running faster than I can often catch these days, asking me who I'm talking to on the phone, giving me big squeeze hugs, requesting Mommy to read books each morning during our couch snuggle time, refusing to ever sit on the potty, finally eating some pasta after a two year refusal, and giving a day-full of challenges, giggles, laughter, hugs, and whateverelseyoucanthinkof every single day.

Matthias really is such a fun personality. Oh, he makes me want to pull my hair out several times a day, but he also just brings lots of joy to our home.

But, the realization is sinking in that he won't be our my baby anymore. I'm not really sure how this will all pan out. He loves babies and helping to take care of them ... but that is an entirely different story when a baby is going to arrive in his home, taking up our time. He is still my snuggler, and wants me to lay by him when we read a story before bed or naptime. He wants to have his blanket and pacifier often (the habit will have to go after baby-adjustment), and walks up to me: "Momma, hold-a me" with those not-so-chubby-anymore arms.

Although it is hard to actually wrap my mind around the fact that in only a few short weeks Brooks Baby will be here, every now and the the reality hits me that life is about to change. A lot. In a short time. And I know the affect on him will be huge.

And so I pray: pray that he will adjust, that he will love and not resent his newest sibling. That God will show me how on earth to spend my time wisely, investing in each child separately, and teaching them (us) to live together.

And I am treasuring the little moments that I am getting that I know will inevitably change: putting him to bed. Trying to read more books when we have time. And I admit: I feel a little sadness sometimes - knowing that we face the transition and he just isn't my baby anymore.

My current favorite moment? When I lay next to him in his bed, after reading a book, and usually I close my eyes and sing or pray. And then little hands frame my cheeks, and I can "see" him looking at me. And then, then little fingers touch my eyebrows (of all things!), and he always says, "Mommy? I like your eyebrows". = )

that is my Matthias.

Pumpkin Patch

With mine and Eli's schedules in October, I dreamt of taking the boys to the pumpkin patch, and wondered how on earth it would be coordinated! We have retreats for the youth, the Harvest Party, a weekend fundraiser, counseling a couple and then Eli doing their wedding and on and on. It seems like most days are packed, and the weekends are too. Adding in doctor appointments for myself, trying to get school and my work done everyday, and I fall into bed exhausted!

BUT, yesterday was a bit of a reprieve - and once soccer was over in the morning, we didn't really have big plans the rest of the day. It just happened to be gorgeously sunny and beautiful, and so at 4:15 we decided to just load up and head out to the pumpkin patch.

SO MUCH FUN! It was busy, and I have never actually been there when it was that busy, but since it is outdoors and everyone was just walking around and enjoying themselves, it felt so festive! Felt like fall, I should say. Lots of people and kids walking around, laughing, avoiding mud puddles, and picking out pumpkins while they munched on kettle corn or watched the little ones play on the playgrounds and run through the maze.

The big boys, of course, remember the pumpkin patch and were soooo looking forward to being out there. Matthias didn't really remember it at all, so it was like experiencing everything for the first time over again. Chickens! Cows! Tractors! Pumpkins! He was totally into everything and had a blast. We took the boys' cousin, Mya with us, and she had a great time wandering the pumpkin patch, and playing with the boys.

Although I love to plan ahead, this was the perfect spontaneous trip for us. Just the right amount of time left in our day, perfect weather, and no meltdowns = ) For the Brooks Bushel, that is counted as highly successful!

Roller Blading

When I was younger, my older brother was waaaaayyyyy into roller blading for quite some time. We had a half-pipe ramp built in our driveway, and he and his friends were always ramping, skating, and incurring probably hosts of injuries! One my friends was pretty good, and he even traveled a bit with a small team that did tricks in parking lots and set up little "locations". I think at one point I had a pair of roller blades that I got used at Play It Again Sports = ) Even when your older sibling is a boy, you still want to be "cool" in his eyes, right? I suppose that is why I remember when I was 14 or 15 wearing some pretty baggy black skater pants and thinkin' I looked pretty sweet. Thankfully, a short-lived fashion statement for me!

Last week, a family from church had us over (okay, I wasn't able to go, but Eli and the boys went) for two purposes: One, to have the boys swim with their teens in their indoor pool; and two, so that we could look through items left over from their garage sale to see what if we wanted any of it before it all got donated.

And in that pile of goodies was a pair of roller blades.

Just so happens they fit a certain seven year old boy that lives in my house = )

Jonah is determined to master his roller blades. Which means that he has them on at least once a day, and he is working up and down the sidewalk in front of the house. Which means that I'm looking towards many skinned knees, elbows, and palms! We haven't had a chance to go buy protective gear, so he wears his helmet and I cover my eyes.

Just kidding.

He is pretty wobbly, and he has fallen a lot of times. But, as he is just learning, there isn't any great speed going on, so he usually gets right back up, brushes off the dirt, and goes again.

And then Eli found that he had kept his roller blades, so the other night, he got out there with Jonah and practiced with him. A little blonde boy was SOOOO happy to have Dad out there with him! I am not sure how long the faze will last, but the main thing is that we are outside a lot. And I love it! We have the sidewalks, great neighborhood streets to traverse, and the boys are making friends with kids around. Loving our new home!